Road signs.
I'm a mega visual person.
I often attach pics with my posts.
With this entry I thought a road sign would be rather appropriate.
But then I got thinking about all the different signs there were and I couldn't pick just one... several seem to fit.
There's:
Wrong Way
Do Not Enter
Rough Road Ahead (my fave... LOL!!)
Detour
STOP
No Trespassing
Caution
Dead End
Slow Road Ahead
I've been thinking about this post for a while now.
And I usually like to keep these things to myself.
But I can't this time. I think by putting it here I might be able to make sense of some of it.
So, you might want to take a 'Detour' before I delve in.... this is for me... though if it's encouraging or helpful for someone else in any way, that can't hurt much either, right?
After I had Ally, I got the postpartum blues pretty badly. And for months I had no clue what was going on. TBH, I'd really never had a depressing day in my whole 29 years. Well, I'm sure I had a few, but nothing significant and that weren't easily overcome. Anyway, I didn't know what was going on. Only that I thought my beautiful little family would be much better off without me. And so I had this little plan that I would just leave and go off and live my earthly existence alone. Because what did I have to offer anyone? And these amazing people that were mine deserved so much more.
Ironically, I find myself in a slightly similar situation now.
It's been almost 20 years and here I've come full-circle.
However, I never thought I'd be where I am today. Ever. Period.
I won't go into that though.
That's not to say I have regrets.... I don't.... well, maybe a few. Don't we all?
I'm ever so thankful for my mind. For my beliefs.... the faith I have in a loving, heavenly God. That there is so much good in the world. That each of us is so vastly unique from the next person and that when you take the time to share this human experience with others, there is so much to be gained and given by acceptance and empathy and love. And most of all, that I brought two people into this world that make it a better place (and not just for me) every day.
This week has been... different. Actually, since Ally left I've had a hard time getting a grip on most anything..... and it seems to be an everyday occurrence at this point.
I LOVE being a mom.... it's mostly what the last 24 years of my life has been about. A gift I wouldn't trade for ANYTHING. It has brought me pure joy... pure bliss... pure delight. These beautiful daughters of mine have taught me more about myself, my Heavenly Father and unconditional love than I would have ever learned anywhere.
But here I am. Both my children are nowhere in the vicinity. One in particular. And I feel a little lost.
Now, when I said above that I find myself in a similar situation as the one I was in 19 years ago... that I think my family deserves better and that I want to just go off and be alone.... that's not what I mean... this time. I don't want to go off anywhere and I don't want to be without any of them.... but I find that I'm asking myself all the time "what do I have to offer?" And I think I've exhausted myself over it. Seriously, I am beyond tired... which just compounds that lupus stuff I have, and then I'm in a vicious cycle and don't really know how to jump off.
But two days ago I did something sort of out of character for me.
I asked for a sign. From Heavenly Father.
I don't usually go that route as I believe that we get answers subtly, quietly and sometimes when we least expect them. In fact, I don't usually ask for answers....
But on Thursday, I flat out did.
I woke up that morning feeling pretty unsettled and TBH, kind of sad. And immediately all I wanted to do was go back to sleep....
So, as I went about the morning and my mind was going in so many different directions, I thought to myself in a prayer from the heart "Heavenly Father, please let me know somehow that everything's okay, that I'm okay, that everything's going to be okay"... and I went on with my day and tried to keep busy. And thought no more of my request.
Later that afternoon, the first experience.
Later that evening.... the second.
This morning, the third.
These are deeply personal things that happened and because they involve other people they'll remain in my heart for good. But I do know that they weren't just coincidences. NO WAY. These things were all completely out of the ordinary....not in a way that they were earth shattering or anything.... but they normally just don't happen.
I will say that I'm not going to suddenly take up asking my Heavenly Father for signs like this. I know these were a gift... and they're meant as a remembrance for me to keep in mind in the future.
But as for right now, I know it's okay. That everything's going to be okay.
I'm a mega visual person.
I often attach pics with my posts.
With this entry I thought a road sign would be rather appropriate.
But then I got thinking about all the different signs there were and I couldn't pick just one... several seem to fit.
There's:
Wrong Way
Do Not Enter
Rough Road Ahead (my fave... LOL!!)
Detour
STOP
No Trespassing
Caution
Dead End
Slow Road Ahead
I've been thinking about this post for a while now.
And I usually like to keep these things to myself.
But I can't this time. I think by putting it here I might be able to make sense of some of it.
So, you might want to take a 'Detour' before I delve in.... this is for me... though if it's encouraging or helpful for someone else in any way, that can't hurt much either, right?
After I had Ally, I got the postpartum blues pretty badly. And for months I had no clue what was going on. TBH, I'd really never had a depressing day in my whole 29 years. Well, I'm sure I had a few, but nothing significant and that weren't easily overcome. Anyway, I didn't know what was going on. Only that I thought my beautiful little family would be much better off without me. And so I had this little plan that I would just leave and go off and live my earthly existence alone. Because what did I have to offer anyone? And these amazing people that were mine deserved so much more.
Ironically, I find myself in a slightly similar situation now.
It's been almost 20 years and here I've come full-circle.
However, I never thought I'd be where I am today. Ever. Period.
I won't go into that though.
That's not to say I have regrets.... I don't.... well, maybe a few. Don't we all?
I'm ever so thankful for my mind. For my beliefs.... the faith I have in a loving, heavenly God. That there is so much good in the world. That each of us is so vastly unique from the next person and that when you take the time to share this human experience with others, there is so much to be gained and given by acceptance and empathy and love. And most of all, that I brought two people into this world that make it a better place (and not just for me) every day.
This week has been... different. Actually, since Ally left I've had a hard time getting a grip on most anything..... and it seems to be an everyday occurrence at this point.
I LOVE being a mom.... it's mostly what the last 24 years of my life has been about. A gift I wouldn't trade for ANYTHING. It has brought me pure joy... pure bliss... pure delight. These beautiful daughters of mine have taught me more about myself, my Heavenly Father and unconditional love than I would have ever learned anywhere.
But here I am. Both my children are nowhere in the vicinity. One in particular. And I feel a little lost.
Now, when I said above that I find myself in a similar situation as the one I was in 19 years ago... that I think my family deserves better and that I want to just go off and be alone.... that's not what I mean... this time. I don't want to go off anywhere and I don't want to be without any of them.... but I find that I'm asking myself all the time "what do I have to offer?" And I think I've exhausted myself over it. Seriously, I am beyond tired... which just compounds that lupus stuff I have, and then I'm in a vicious cycle and don't really know how to jump off.
But two days ago I did something sort of out of character for me.
I asked for a sign. From Heavenly Father.
I don't usually go that route as I believe that we get answers subtly, quietly and sometimes when we least expect them. In fact, I don't usually ask for answers....
But on Thursday, I flat out did.
I woke up that morning feeling pretty unsettled and TBH, kind of sad. And immediately all I wanted to do was go back to sleep....
So, as I went about the morning and my mind was going in so many different directions, I thought to myself in a prayer from the heart "Heavenly Father, please let me know somehow that everything's okay, that I'm okay, that everything's going to be okay"... and I went on with my day and tried to keep busy. And thought no more of my request.
Later that afternoon, the first experience.
Later that evening.... the second.
This morning, the third.
These are deeply personal things that happened and because they involve other people they'll remain in my heart for good. But I do know that they weren't just coincidences. NO WAY. These things were all completely out of the ordinary....not in a way that they were earth shattering or anything.... but they normally just don't happen.
I will say that I'm not going to suddenly take up asking my Heavenly Father for signs like this. I know these were a gift... and they're meant as a remembrance for me to keep in mind in the future.
But as for right now, I know it's okay. That everything's going to be okay.